Nobody’s human.

Bojack Hosreman had a couple of good ones. My favorite was: “Fool me once, shame on you, but teach a man to fool me, and I’ll be fooled for the rest of my life!”

I like to make the animal abuse idioms animal-friendly:

• There’s more than one way to pet a cat.
• Let’s not feed a dead horse.
• This way we can get two birds stoned at once.

This opens up a whole new bag of cats.

One I’ve actually heard is, you couldn’t swing a dead horse in here.

I’m here to kick ass and take names, and I’m all out of ass!

*clicks pen*

Names, please…

Light a man a fire and you warm him for a night. Set a man on fire and you warm him for the rest of his life!

A bird in the hand, and you’ll never work a day in your life.

I got in trouble at a corpo job for saying “We’ll jump off that bridge when we get there.”

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I’m wearing Milk-Bone underwear.”

“People who live in glass houses can count their chickens in the rain.”

“We’ll cross that water when it’s under the bridge.”

I actually thought I made up the “I’ll burn that bridge when I get to it.” Kind of sad to see others knew of it.

Another one I think I made up is…

“Bob’s your cousin.”

Why does this screenshot look like a highschool teacher photocopied it from a book?

You opened this can of worms, now lie in it

I resent, and resemble, this

Untill the cow freezes over is funny till you realize this is an issue in some places.