Stuff we should get? Or features on some items?
Things to you wish you knew or had done before the baby arrived?
Any and all advice is welcome :)
Edit: thanks everyone for your advice! Ive been stress procrastinating reading it all tbh but will review soon. Appreciate the huge support!
Best advice I can think of: learn to breathe.
Theres a lot of joy in having a baby but also a lot of stress on reduced sleep. Learning to acknowledge when you’re getting frustrated and take a minute will make everything so very much easier.
Also buy a diaper genie.
Diaper genie was great. Also reuse grocery bags and spin them into a knot.
Diaper Genie for the win!
Also, a car seat that latches into its base (base stays in car). So much better than one you have to strap in/out of the car all the time.
My family called those pumpkin seats. I had a friend who left their kid in that seat too often and it ended up with a flat head. The kid needed a helmet. Poor guy was never the brightest.
Sorry to hear that, but I don’t see how that could be the cause (unless they were leaving them in it for a week at a time).
The baby was only ever in the crib or the seat. It was a bit too late, but they started paying more attention once social services was involved. Definitely a middle child problem.
I think he’s doing better now, but he’s practically an adult.
Diaper Genie, seconded.
I always endeavor to get things that have multiple uses. At first, I pooh-poohed (heh) the idea of a diaper genie. A regular trash can should be sufficient, right?
No. If you’re doing disposable diapers, get the diaper genie.
Your username is very apt lol
Sleep when you can, because you do not know when the next sleep will be.
After the baby comes, when it wakes at night Fetch it so the wife can stay comfortably in bed to feed (assuming she can get comfortable in bed to feed).
Also if you are bottle feeding, you can figure out a night routine which will work for the first 3-6 months, assuming the baby wakes every few hours. What worked for us was if one person stayed up late, handling any feeding till 2am, and then the other person would wake up early and get the 5am and later feedings. Highly recommend to find some long running TV series that has like six seasons and a movie to watch during these times, since you will spend a lot of time doing this.
Yeah, the 8pm handoff. Mom goes to bed after the feeding around 8pm, dad goes long and hits the 11pm and 2am, then bails out.
Very much this. My daughter was bottle fed, and almost like clockwork she would get hungry every 3 hours, at 12, 3, 6 and 9. My wife would feed and go to bed at midnight, and then I would stay up until 3 and feed there, then straight to bed. Then at 6 my wife would wake up and feed, and then finally at 9 in the morning I would wake up. Getting those 6 hours uninterrupted was invaluable.
Yes! Sleep when the baby sleeps!
Also, when our first one came home, be screamed the moment the lights turned off for bed—presumably because it was safe and quiet. We slept with the lights on for a few nights.
Talk about feeding plans in advance. I talked my wife into pumping and saving up some breast milk in the freezer. That way I could feed the baby when she didn’t feel up to it. Not a big deal if you’re doing formula.
Don’t be afraid to take the baby for some dad time. Mom may or may not be good at expressing when she needs a break. Our middle child would cry whenever mom wasn’t holding her, making it hard for Mom to get any rest. But, I figured out she liked low, constant sounds. I would take her out in the garage, turn on my big shop fan, and just walk around while holding her. She would finally doze off after a bit.
One of the most important things I learned was that it’s ok to not know how to feel at first. Women have hormones that help them bond with a newborn. That’s what keeps them from chucking the baby they just evicted from their body out the window or leaving it for the wolves.
Men don’t have that advantage. My wife was getting all excited about being pregnant and I’m just like, “Oh. Cool. I’m gonna be a father. Great. I guess.” I didn’t really feel anything except maybe a little fear of the unknown. I knew our life was going to different but I wasn’t sure exactly how. Then this little person arrives and they are simultaneously adorable and the worst houseguest you can possibly imagine. They can’t talk so they just cry and whatever they want, they want it now.
I honestly felt miserable. That changed one day when my daughter was a couple months old. I was carrying her to her crib for a nap when she nuzzled her little head into my shoulder and went right to sleep. I realized right then that my little girl knew who was holding her and she felt safe. That was a very special moment for me. One I hope I always remember. Right from that moment I was hooked.
Your experience may be different. Just know that if it doesn’t feel all warm and fuzzy at first, that’s ok.
Edit: Congratulations BTW!
Hear me out:
Motion-sensing nightlights.
You’ll both thank me when you get up in the middle of the night to get to the baby or something for the baby. Turning on lights is just going to wake everyone up and make you cranky.
If your wife isn’t breastfeeding get several different brands of bottles. Your kid may have trouble with one kind but no others.
Get a 5Kg sack of potatoes or rice and practice holding it like a baby for at least 10-15 min several times a day. Get those baby holding muscles building now, just remember you want endurance not actual strength.
A white noise generator is good for when they are fussy and can calm them down.Wow, tough one. It’s your first kid?
I wish I had known how deeply it would change me. And the strength it would give me. I would have feared less, I would have trusted myself from the beginning, and I would have welcomed the change as soon as it started in me.
- don’t be afraid to sing to your baby, they love it
- read to your kid every night as part of the routine
- it’s ok to leave your baby safely in a crib while you take a break for 5 minutes. Go where the crying volume doesn’t drive you mad.
Get a “Nose Frieda.” Or something like that; my kids are in upper elementary, I don’t remember what it’s called. It looks horrific but when your kid is congested, it is a lifesaver. I think the same company makes something for gas, and I used a crazy amount of them on my second kid before figuring out that she was allergic to dairy at about 3 months.
Baby Frida is the brand the product is just called a nose sucker. We also had several boxes of "Windy"s (the fart straw). Putting those up my son’s butt was an ordeal but nothing helped him sleep like a good fart
Ah yes thanks! For sure, using these products is not “fun” but honestly, parenting strengthens your stomach and your resolve in lots of ways!
We used an app called Huckleberry to track sleep. Our son would nap every couple hours consistently, but as you get closer to 3 naps a day it helps to see how long they’ve been awake/asleep to keep the routine easy.
Good luck mate. It’s all worth it when you get that first on purpose smile. :)
You won’t smell of milk all the time, so it is easier for you to put the baby to sleep. Try memorizing like 10 songs that you like and will be able to sing over and over again. The baby will figure out, that it is time to sleep when you sing these.
Learn how to exercise/strach baby. You don’t want to do this with a newborn. But there won’t be a lot of time after birth to look this up. Be gentile. It’s good for the baby and makes them fart and shit, easing stomach pain.
Look up baby first aid videos just in case. It is very different than adult first aid.
Shit I’ll add to that and straight up suggest doing a first aid program if OP can afford to and can find the time. It just gives you piece of mind knowing how to do shit in a safe way.
If the partner has enough mobility still I’d even suggest doing a class together as a bonding thing.
The first song that came to mind was from bigxtheplug, maybe try for 10 appropriate songs.
Nahhh… don’t sweat it. My son’s favorite is an old school '90 punk-rock song about “sometimes I miss marijuana”. You can get away with it for quite a while. Than you replace the inappropriate parts with jellybeans and tulips or whatever.
Buy all the shit now. You won’t have the mental capacity to make purchasing decisions that well after you’re a parent. Buy and store the crib now. Stroller.
Get one of those log books and diligently record the feedings, diaper changes, medicines, etc. it’s invaluable to refer to for doctor and midwife follow-ups. You’ll know when you don’t need to record that level of detail anymore and can stop.
Read a few parenting books. Take them with a grain of salt. “Expert parents” have had a few genetically similar children. “Experts” have studied, at arm’s length, a bunch of children that weren’t theirs. Their opinions and experiences do NOT necessarily apply to your child. It’s a starting point and nothing more, despite the absurd promises the make in their introductions.
A routine is super important. Stick to one, especially for sleep. If baby sleeps, YOU SLEEP. An irregular sleep cycle seeps into your whole life quickly.
Your job is to safely raise your child to adulthood and hopefully not turn out to be an asshole. The romantic notion of “shaping” a child to be a better version of you is a fantasy. Resist those feelings and act and speak based on what you think your child needs for their development/understanding RIGHT NOW.
Set up boundaries with family early. Stick to them. That includes enforcing how they speak to your child. I don’t care if that’s how grandma was raised, telling a 1 year old their hand will get chopped off if they touch an electrical outlet is not helpful.
The child’s nap schedule is probably more important than any social obligation. If going to a lunch means your kid misses their nap and is a screaming, miserable monster for the rest of your day, then that lunch is OPTIONAL. Don’t go if it’s going to ripple through the rest of your day.
Child proof things in your home in increments. The kid won’t be walking for the first year - focus on padding for under 2’. Reassess when they’re walking and growing for new dangers. You won’t be able to do it all at once.
If you don’t have a ton of space, make it clear to friends and family that you don’t want any big gifts. If we get one more fucking stuffed animal…
Babies nap best in total dark. Make sure their sleeping area is as close to pitch black as you can get it. (This varies with the child, but I read it in a parenting book and it was absolutely true for us)
You will have far less money and mental capacity once you’re a parent - front load everything you can now!
Needed edit: 'buy all the stuff now, used. ’
All that shit is used for 3-6 months and then passed on. No need to buy it new when used stuff is practically new. Only bottle nipples you should buy new.
Don’t try to leave your house in complete silence to avoid waking the baby. Make normal noise and train the baby to be able to sleep through that.
Also, never give in to a tantrum (note that this one you’re a few years away from, since I’m not talking about baby crying). Even if you realize partway through that you’re wrong. Talk it out after they’ve calmed down. You can even tell them that you realized you were wrong but that you’ll never give in to a tantrum like that because that’s not how you handle not liking something. Once they learn tantrums are only a path to defeat, they’ll adjust their methods.
Be sure your child isn’t autistic before using this method. Autistic dysregulation (meltdowns) can look a lot like tantrums, but autistic kids don’t have the ability to control or adjust this behaviour.
Absolutely this.
But there is more. Sometimes small kids (whether neurodivergent or not) simply don’t have the communication skills to express their wants and needs yet. It’s crucial to make sure that you’re not accidentally denying a kid something they need, simply because they lack the skills to tell you what they need.
Functional communication training is a big part of what I teach at work. Regardless of your kid’s neurotype, an adult has to learn to anticipate their wants and needs, then teach them how to communicate that appropriately (and honor their appropriate response.) Maybe the kid’s getting sick, and they’re acting out because they’re tired or some part of their body hurts. Maybe they’re hungry, thirsty, or even lonely. It’s our job as adults to help them “connect the dots” so they can have their needs met. Ignoring a child who’s suffering is never a good idea, but parsing out the reason for their behavior takes skill and practice.
Kids learn to move their hands before they’re able to vocally speak. However, their ability to recognize and understand the language they hear/see is stronger than many adults expect. Which is why it’s a good idea for parents to familiarize themselves with some basic sign language, and use it together with simple language to teach pre-verbal kids how to communicate. Even just teaching the signs for “help,” “more,” and “all done” can empower your toddler to make their needs clear. If you can tell your kid is struggling to reach a toy they want, sign and say “help.” After feeding them, sign and say “all done.” When pushing a kid on a swing, occasionally stop, then sign and ask, “more?” Use every opportunity you can to model communication. If you see the kid attempt a sign (or vocal word) they know (even if it’s imperfect), honor that. It’s more important that they can get their needs across than that they articulate perfectly. In time, you can shape those signs and words to be more accurate, but we’re starting with babies here, so first things first.
It’s crucial to make sure that you’re not accidentally denying a kid something they need, simply because they lack the skills to tell you what they need.
“I don’t know, can you go to the bathroom??”
I am going to give all advice then look at the comments to see if there is anything more to say (jog my memory).
Remember that if a baby is crying and you are at your wits end, you can
- put them in a safe spot and breathe away from them e.g. put the infant in a car seat in an air conditioned space e.g. your house or a crib and walk far enough away that you can’t hear them for 10 mins.
Also you can get concert reusable ear plugs. You can hear conversation and crying through them, but it takes the Edge off. Totally worth it.
If your baby has the tongue attached to the bottom of the mouth with skin, insurance won’t cover if a doctor deems it to not affect speech development, BUT that baby will not be able to such from a breast unless it is cut.
Having a universal bottle steamer is great. Good for steaming frozen breast milk for babies and steaming milk for coffee.
Never leave an infant around a dog. Dog instincts sometimes are to kill offspring that is not their own, or to pick up infants by the scruff of the neck like puppies. Not even once.
If future momma is having trouble walking up stairs, you can always crawl on your hands and knees while she sits on your shoulders. She will likely laugh the whole way.
Natural births (no morphine and no oxytocin and no interventions e.g. c sections) increase if you know how to work through pain. The kind of labor pain and contractions is similar to that of an orgasm. She has to be allowed to not be “up in her head” and instead in the moment. I got a doula to be there during labor and certain instincts of mine were distracting and pulling my wife into a mindset that was halting the oxytocin production iland increasing the pain.
Have the future momma take the multivitamin every day and retake it if it is thrown up. If there are any preexisting conditions in momma then the pregnancy is much likelier to be with good outcomes.
Remember the 5 s’s , shushing, bouncing, stomach pressure, swaying, swaddling. These 5 are the goto for soothing a baby.
Get a medicine ball that fits future momma. When she gets closer to giving birth, it is really easy to sit and “walk” by bouncing while watching a show. Also after baby is born, it is really easy to put baby in a sling/wrap/carrier and bounce the baby to sleep while playing videogames.
Certain babies and mothers sleep better when in bed together. There is recent conflicting information regarding whether this increases or decreases infant death. It’s worth looking into to see recent developments.
When you are full of adrenaline and baby was just born, make a journal entry. It all gets hazy as the adrenaline goes down.
Good luck!
Two beds in separate rooms. No sense in both of you losing sleep. One of you needs to sleep well each night. Decide and conquer. Take shifts if you need to.
My wife and I have four kids. I’m speaking with a thousand yard stare here.
First of all, having kids is BY FAR the best thing that ever happened to me.
But it didn’t feel that way in the beginning.
I won’t use “you”, but “I”. I can’t guarantee that my experience will be mirrored by you. But I can say that the fathers I know well enough to have open conversations with on this topic broadly agree with this.
It’s great you’re asking these questions. You’ll no doubt get lots of good answers. So I won’t pile on.
But I wish to tell you something I completely didn’t understand.
The first year of the first kid is HARD. It’s hard for mummy; even harder if she’s breastfeeding.
But it will be super hard for you too. Because everyone will just expect you to be “supportive daddy” and buck up. Meanwhile you’ll be going through your own journey. Your journey isn’t visible. Your stomach isn’t contracting. Your weight isn’t shifting (well, only by reaching for easy meal options at least) and (if mummy is breastfeeding) you’re not the one with sore nipples or mastitis.
There were times when I quietly, in the dark, trying to lull baby to sleep, asked myself “what have I done?” … “is this my life now?!”
I felt I completely disappeared. My end credits had rolled. I was a supporting actor in somebody else’s film.
And the crucial experience I missed was this: It doesn’t last long.
But man it felt endless. I felt utterly worn out and with no “tour of duty” end date ahead.
It’s over before it even begins. Each day today is the hardest day you’ll do on this. Tomorrow will be easier. Next week easier than that. In a month even easier.
And gradually, slowly, I returned. “I” became an entity again. I had time do something for me.
What I wished someone had told me was this very thing: It won’t be long. It’s hard but it’ll be much easier soon.
Enjoy it! Kids are just the very best thing you’ll ever do. (But only after a while).
Thank you for that perspective, Im already feeling some parts of that for sure.
Hang in there dude. It’s over before you know it.
