cross-posted from: https://programming.dev/post/35140490
Long post
Iām a nurse working ER. Iām also introverted and like keeping to myself. I also may be on the spectrum (havenāt been diagnosed, but I find social cues and when people are being sincere, joking or lying very difficult to understand. I understand what people say literally. Why would they otherwise speak?)
I also separate my job from my personal life, as my job is not my identity. I donāt care about my coworkersā life but ask the ones who know more than me about anything job related, to learn, to be a better nurse, to have more opportunities.
Today I had a conversation with 2 managers where I was fired. Not from the hospital due to my union but from the ER. In a nutshell, as they put it: they (whoever they might be) see that Iām motivated and want to learn but they find my way of speaking demanding.
I have absolutely no idea what they mean. They didnāt provide any example. They however provided an example where somebody claims I told a student to put a line. I never did such a thing, but I have the feeling they donāt believe me. The never put anything on writing, or gave me anything to sign. I wonāt be signing anything from them.
Then one of the managers started a monologue about heās been working 30 years there, that communication is important. True, communication here is extremely relevant, but about procedures, patients and who does what, not about why Americans are idiots or how many children you have, not to the point of ignoring alarms, not to the point where I am the only one entering patientās data in the computer while my coworkers speak about what to cook for dinner. Oftentimes I was the only one noticing how weāre under supplied or that some ECG cables donāt work while the chatty ones did they thing and ignored I was working while they lazy around.
I didnāt get to say all of this because they interrupted. Itās like they believe the talkative ones over me. Why would I want to work for people like that?
After this both sides talked but didnāt listen to what the other side had to say. I felt they werenāt listening to me. Why should I listen to them?
Before I left I told them Iām looking for a unit where I can learn. Thatās ALL I need from the workplace to be better. To them this is not good enough.
To me it looks like this: you donāt mingle with us (us being coworkers and management), therefore you are worse than us and deserve to be ignored, but Iām not at a workplace to socialize, but to learn and to earn money. Am I the only person on earth to think like this? Why canāt people keep their opinions to themselves? I leave them alone and only talk about work. If I have nothing to say, I say nothing and learn. I donāt understand why people are so needy for conversation and thin skinned. I didnāt say this out loud because in my past people have bullied me for being me.
I was also accused of not being polite.
Iāll miss working that ER because in the 8 weeks I was there I learned stuff you donāt learn on other units. To me this unit was a good one because I learned new things and people left me alone during downtime to figure out how procedures and machines work, people didnāt complain when I looked the internet for instruction manuals or asked coworkers if we give sodium bicarbonate by metabolic acidosis or alkalosis. I was an motivated coworker, even when people who were supposed to train me sat and did nothing while I was taking samples. I always asked what I didnāt know.
Iāll also miss working with most doctors, because they were always ready to teach me stuff, so I really donāt understand why managers say my way of speaking is demanding.
My managers donāt see or donāt want to see that people treat you better and forgive your mistakes if you give them attention, if youāre likable. Iām not likable. They also donāt see that they say a lot of stupid crap if a coworker prefers to keep to himself. I also find this sad. I feel they think Iām doing this on purpose.
If youāre an extrovert and have read so far: I donāt think you understand how taxing is to care about things that are simply, irrelevant. Itās like my managers expect me to make theatrics and give attention to everyone I work with. I already did this on a previous job and it was ridiculous: fake smiling to a secretary and asking her stupid stuff for 5 minutes straight, smiling like a clown because otherwise she would feel offended. Why is that my job? Sometimes I work with 8 coworkers. Am I supposed to be a sucker with all of them? I find that childish.
I feel they presented an ultimatum: either give us and coworkers attention or be fired. I didnāt bulge because they didnāt listen.
And I still donāt know if this is a good outcome, because Iām not going to change what I am to conform to some extroverted standards of what a good coworkers is supposed to be, because I canāt and I donāt understand them (extroverts).
I donāt know if this puts me on the spectrum and I find it unfair being treated so differently because I like to keep to myself and learn during downtime.
Iāve always have such issues working for other employers. Itās clear this is who I am and trying to change me itās like expecting a gay to like women.
But if this means Iām alone in the universe, that Iām always the loner people always talk shit about and marginalize, how am I supposed to live my life and work life then?
ETA: I inquired the union about protections for people on the spectrum and Iām waiting for an answer but even if I get a diagnosis I donāt want to expose myself to more bullying by disclosing it to my employer: the hospital I work at is full of gossips.
So what do I do?
multiple studies on children have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that neurotypical people will always unconsciously ostracize neurodivergent people and my experience tells me that itās because i trigger some sort of insecurity in the person that wants to blame/avoid/harass me for whatever insecurity is going on in their head.
iāve learned the hard way that thereās nothing i can do to make neurotypical people act professionally or even humanely towards me and iāve also learned from my other minority identities that i have to develop my own methods for dealing with society at large that allows me to keep my sanity intact.
the first step is to understand where on the spectrum you exist (assuming that you are on the spectrum) and from there you can start creating your own coping mechanisms and the ONLY way to do that is through professional help with a psychologist; NOT a psychiatrist (pills/drugs are usually only a partial answer).
if you are on the spectrum (and it sounds like you are based on what youāve shared), this is a very fundamental part of your being and anything that you try to build for yourself on top of it is on shakey ground without this fundamental understanding. there is no single answer or single method for responding to your question/request-for-help because every neurodiverse person is different; thatās why itās called a spectrum and this is the only answer i can give you that will help.
in my case: i have to pay for advice from employment lawyers on how to best protect myself in every single job that iāve ever had since being diagnosed. i just joined a union for the first time and the legal advice that i got this time around suggested that i have a better chance at keeping my job this time because of it, but ONLY if i take certain actions and keeping documented proof that i informed my employer & my union of my autism was part of it. i was told that i should expect to provide legal proof my diagnosis should i ever have to fight back (i ALWAYS have to fight back eventually) and that diagnosis from my psychologist is the only proof that will work. you will likely need this too.
I have nothing to write but thank your for posting. You seem to have more knowledge about this than me.
itās not knowledge, itās anecdotal experience that iāve cobbled together into a theory, based on my ruminations of my regrets and tempered by consultations w multiple psychologists for the last few decades.
iām glad you responded because it allowed me to see the responses that youāre getting from others and it gives me the chance share another regret that i experienced the hard way: neurotypical people do not understand and will NEVER understand unless theyāve trained to do so (and even then itās still not a guarantee that they can help).
i donāt doubt that they have good intentions, but the road to hell is paved w good intentions. only knowledge and practice can help you if youāre truly on the spectrum.